So, I admit I need help. Now what?

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If you’ve never been to a counselor, you could easily have a hard time even trying to comprehend how a complete stranger is going to be able to help you in the first place.  But you finally admit you aren’t happy. You’ve been doing life on your own for quite a while and you now aren’t happy with the results.  It’s time to call in the pros.  It’s no different than remodeling your house.  A lot of times you can only go so far in the project and you hit a wall, beyond your expertise level and/or a point where it’s not going as planned.  You can continue to struggle or add some “patches” with hopes to be able to continue to get by, or you can cover over the issue and hope it doesn’t resurface later.  A better option is to bite the bullet and call in a professional and get life taken care of, once and for all.

Once you recognize you are “stuck” in a negative place and/or mindset, and decide you want to make a step towards getting “unstuck”, the next step is choosing help.  I’m not elaborating about that here, but a great place to go to find a professional is www.PsychologyToday.comEMDR Therapy is a wonderful option as type to pursue.  It tends to get to the heart of the issue quite quickly.  If you are a verbal or physical abuse victim, I strongly recommend you find someone that has the initials EMDR after their name, or offers that modality as a specialty.

Let’s jump ahead to having chosen someone and scheduled your first appointment.  At your first session you will experience an “Intake” where you will fill out paperwork and answer a lot of questions.  You can approach this as either going in to a friend’s house for a social visit, or like going to the Emergency Room of a hospital with a gaping wound.   I have learned it’s best to expedite the whole process and picture it as if I am “rushing” in to the ER and need help NOW.

It is totally expected that at your first sessions,you just aren’t sure what to share.  Not only that, but you aren’t sure how much to share either,  but then we unfortunately end up holding back.  Some of us have a fear of possibly shocking our new counselor with what we think, or have done, and at this first, and subsequent sessions want to “sell them” on what a great person we are.  So sessions can easily end up becoming a “get to know each other” format and not going in to the depth of any issues.  When we do this, we are either stalling and/or trying to surmise if they are “safe” enough with whom we can share our private self. 

Keep in mind that scenario is the typical “dance” of how relationships work with our friends.  We only share so much at a time to see if they are in agreement with us or if they can relate to what we are saying.  If not, we they just stop sharing that compartment of our lives with them.  Keep it in perspective that this counselor is someone you are paying, to offer a professional service.  They are a professional and have heard it all.  Holding back is not the best choice.  You will not shock them.  Although you will share possibly more with them than any ONE person in your entire life, they still are not acting in the capacity as your friend. 

So let’s change the mindset here and approach your therapy sessions as you truly are:  you have a major issue big enough for you consider sharing it with a stranger and give them your hard earned money.  Don’t forget this.  However, as you walk in to their office, at this exact moment you may not be in severe “pain” anymore.  You may be feeling “ok”.  This is where you need to remember back to the torment and tortured feelings that caused you to phone or email to make this very appointment.  Bring that emotion to this meeting as if you walked in to an Emergency Room.  In that setting you would end up exposing any area of pain without being asked or probed to do so.  You would share all you know about how it happened, and any details about how the wound makes you feel and what your fears are if it is not fixed.  And then you would step back and let the doctor lead.  Then the best case scenario is that you would follow what they say needs done to get the wound fixed.   In this same way, share the innermost wounds in your heart and mind with your counselor.  Don’t hold back.  This is not the time.

I believe if you can stay in the mindset that you are in an emergency situation and not trying to “sell yourself” to someone to get them to like you, you can keep your sessions moving quickly and get to your goals much faster.  They can’t push you in your sessions, they can only gently nudge, and the rest is up to our own self.  One must truly set the pace for their own growth.  I’m simply suggesting that you be aware of this and do your best to “let it all hang out” in your sessions.   Save your money and use your time wisely by deciding to be a person of full disclosure before you walk in to each session.  You will be glad you did.    

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An intimate relationship is a place where you should never be frightened

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Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?  If so, take those feelings seriously.  Notice whether you tell yourself things like:

  • “I’m overreacting — he would never really hurt me.”
  • “He gets extremely angry, but he won’t hit me.”
  • “Yes, he has harmed me in the past, but he swears he won’t do it again.”
  • “He pushed me into having sex when I didn’t want it, but it isn’t like he assaulted me or anything.”

These are all danger signs.  Women’s intuitions about their partners are crucial.  As Gavin de Becker explains in his book The Gift of Fear, those scary feelings are there to alert you to dangerous situations.

Women get subjected to a stream of societal messages saying that they’re too sensitive, that they perceive problems where none lie, and that they have nothing to be afraid of.  This cultural training tells you, “Don’t trust yourself, go ahead and walk right into danger.”

An intimate relationship is a place where you should never be frightened, no matter how furious or hurt your partner feels.  If he’s telling you that your fear is coming from somewhere else — such as your childhood experiences, or your supposed hypersensitivity — don’t buy it.  Ditto for anyone else who tells you that your fear of him is your own issue.

[Entry from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?* p96]
[Copied from a post from https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2016/08/25/thursday-thought-caution/]

 

THIS is NO WAY to LIVE … with a narcissist

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Do you walk on eggshells?  Keep all discussions, and even questions to a minimum because they always end up in a fight? Have you ever thought you were going crazy after talking with your spouse or partner?  I have felt all of these. Actually everything in this Blog attached titled “The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics” could have been written by me, with first hand experience. But author Bree Bonchay did a great job explaining what many verbally and physically abused women contend with every day.

I hope this article sheds some much needed light on your situation, because I believe you didn’t find these words here, right now, by accident. And then I hope beyond all, that if you are ready, you seek help, because THIS is NO WAY to LIVE, with a narcissist.  YOU are NOT going crazy.  YOU are not alone.  YOU were not designed by GOD to live like this.  There is more for YOU in your future than being controlled and manipulated by another “human being” . . . especially when that person is supposed to be protecting you.  Stop living a lie.  YOU are worth it.

READ BLOG POST HERE:  http://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/16/the-8-most-common-narc-sadistic-conversation-control-tactics/

You ask me why am I sharing my story? Reason # 2

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I am sharing for the purpose of others seeing their story in mine – and then getting help and to safety for themselves and their children. I was looking for confirmation for many years that there was something wrong with my marriage or husband. I kept thinking it was me. I read books, went to counselors, asked friends. I never told anyone that I had been hit and my husband never ever apologized or thought what he did was wrong. I never told anyone of his rage and temper and control – I was pretty sure if I shared the darkest secrets I would pay for it later at home. I kept silent because he told me I was the whole problem, and I believed it was me too. He used my gifting of being outspoken against me. He told me with his actions that I shouldn’t have an opinion, or stand up for myself or my children because he was boss of the household. I share simply so other women will see what abuse looks like, how it disguises itself in the cloak of warped (not true) Christianity and twisted scriptures.

Where I’d send you for help if we talked…

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These are resources that I have used and found my help for recovery and healing. 


THERAPY/COUNSELING…

  • Domestic Violence Services of Lancaster County (717) 299-1249    Free DV Counseling and more   website
  • Pennsylvania Counseling Services (717) 392-8848  Family Based Counseling and more  website

WEBSITES/BLOGS…


SOME OF THE BEST BOOKS I HAVE READ …

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans  How to Recognize it and How to Respond
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft    How to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood    How the Evil of Domestic Violence Hides in your Church
Not Under Bondage by Barbara Roberts    Biblical Divorce for Adultery, Abuse and Desertion
The Verbally Abusive Man – Can he change? by Patricia Evans    A Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Controlling People by Patricia Evans   How to recognize understand and deal with people who try to control you
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick   How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope


OTHER RESOURCES …