I hope this article sheds some much needed light on your situation, because I believe you didn’t find these words here, right now, by accident. And then I hope beyond all, that if you are ready, you seek help, because THIS is NO WAY to LIVE, with a narcissist. YOU are NOT going crazy. YOU are not alone. YOU were not designed by GOD to live like this. There is more for YOU in your future than being controlled and manipulated by another “human being” . . . especially when that person is supposed to be protecting you. Stop living a lie. YOU are worth it.
Stumbled upon this song today. It showed up in my iTunes “hot list” of recommendations for me. With only the bare minimum knowledge of Latin, I did however recognize the word “voce” in the one song title to be the English word “voice”. Well that’s just enough of a nudge these days to peak my curiosity. So out of the four songs recommended for me, this song “Viva Voce” by The Rocketboys got my choice for a click through. One more click, entered my password, and ninety-nine cents later, I own it.
WOW is my rating out of ten for this song. It also gets my unsolicited vote to be THE anthem of 2015 for the Domestic Violence community. It deeply touches on some lyrics really close to my heart also – speaking thanks to “my team”, as I have nicknamed them; those who continue lifting me up these last two plus years as I crawl out of my own silence, finding my voice …
“To all the people I know that listen LISTEN TOME, hallelujah! To all the PEOPLE I know that PRAYED for me For my safety, hallelujah!
CAN you HEAR me NOW? I’m SINGING OUT as LOUD as I know how But AM I LOUD enough? I got MYVOICE and you got YOURS so let’s make a little NOISE ALL TOGETHER NOW!”
If you approach counseling a couple where there is physical or verbal abuse as if you are doing marriage counseling, then you have already derailed and are hurting the victim even further. You cannot address this like you would a difference-of-opinions type argument expecting to work things out in a reasonable way. When violence is involved, violence changes everything. This is a domestic violence situation and its not just a disagreement. Don’t make it worse. Get out of the way and get experienced abuse counselors involved immediately.
A MUST READ for ANYONE who may at ANY TIME IN THEIR LIFE have a conversation of ANY length with a victim of verbal/physical abuse. (Note: verbal abuse always proceeds physical abuse in a relationship but verbal abuse doesn’t always evolve in to physical abuse. I lumped them together to be inclusive of all victims).
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.
The Abuser: Pressures her severely
So you should: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action — something the abuser never does.
The Abuser: Talks down to her
So you should: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior…
As of today’s writing, I embark on my 25th month of counseling for myself and my children as we continue recovery from an abusive household because of their father. I have children ranging in age from 7 to 22, all boys – five of them. From the very beginning of this ordeal/detour/situation, I have been taught, learned and chosen to not put their father down in front of them. However, I have learned not to lie about what their father has done either. It’s a tedious tightrope act, almost daily, and it isn’t easy. I found a blog that mirrors what I am living and doing with my children. Please share the blog liberally, it might be the glimmer of hope for a victim parent right now. Excerpts below:
“You should not denigrate the children’s father because you are angry with him, or want to get back at him for what he did to you (and/or the kids). He is still their father and they will have feelings for him…They are going to eventually have to understand what their father has done and/or is doing and that will be very hard for them to reconcile within themselves….What we do need to do is be honest with them, in a way they can understand, but is not degrading to their father. We can then teach them what manipulation is. We can teach them what blame shifting is. We can call it out when we see it and help them learn to do the same. We can teach them how to treat others and help guide their character development along, as they grow…They will begin to see the tactics, and then see their father is using these tactics and when they discover this reality on their own, they internalize the truth much deeper than if we were to simply impose it on them…They asked their follow up questions. “Why did he hurt you? Why didn’t he stop?” And I told them, “I think it’s because daddy thought he could make me do what he wanted me to, by hurting me if I didn’t. But you can’t make people do things. You can’t force them to do things you want them to do or not do things you don’t want them to do.” I also told them that I prayed for Daddy. I prayed that God would show daddy that he needed to change and make better choices about how he treats people. I told them mommy leaving was not their fault. The divorce was not their fault. They were not to blame in any way.” Author deborahmom