Abuse: Walking the fine line – Parenting

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As of today’s writing, I embark on my 25th month of counseling for myself and my children as we continue recovery from an abusive household because of their father.  I have children ranging in age from 7 to 22, all boys – five of them.  From the very beginning of this ordeal/detour/situation, I have been taught, learned and chosen to not put their father down in front of them. However, I have learned not to lie about what their father has done either. It’s a tedious tightrope act, almost daily, and it isn’t easy. I found a blog that mirrors what I am living and doing with my children. Please share the blog liberally, it might be the glimmer of hope for a victim parent right now.  Excerpts below:

http://cryingoutforjustice.com/2014/10/01/why-arent-you-and-daddy-married-anymore/

“You should not denigrate the children’s father because you are angry with him, or want to get back at him for what he did to you (and/or the kids). He is still their father and they will have feelings for him…They are going to eventually have to understand what their father has done and/or is doing and that will be very hard for them to reconcile within themselves….What we do need to do is be honest with them, in a way they can understand, but is not degrading to their father. We can then teach them what manipulation is. We can teach them what blame shifting is. We can call it out when we see it and help them learn to do the same. We can teach them how to treat others and help guide their character development along, as they grow…They will begin to see the tactics, and then see their father is using these tactics and when they discover this reality on their own, they internalize the truth much deeper than if we were to simply impose it on them…They asked their follow up questions. “Why did he hurt you? Why didn’t he stop?” And I told them, “I think it’s because daddy thought he could make me do what he wanted me to, by hurting me if I didn’t. But you can’t make people do things. You can’t force them to do things you want them to do or not do things you don’t want them to do.” I also told them that I prayed for Daddy. I prayed that God would show daddy that he needed to change and make better choices about how he treats people. I told them mommy leaving was not their fault. The divorce was not their fault. They were not to blame in any way.”  Author deborahmom

 

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2 thoughts on “Abuse: Walking the fine line – Parenting

  1. I sympathize, I was in a similar situation with 3 children. I too didn’t want to put down their father, but worse yet is them growing up thinking this is how they want to model their adult relationships. It’s indeed a fine line. My best advice…looking back, I should’ve made decision based on my gut feeling rather than the emotions of my broken heart. Wishing you all the best on your courageous journey xo

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