Abuse: Walking the fine line – Parenting

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As of today’s writing, I embark on my 25th month of counseling for myself and my children as we continue recovery from an abusive household because of their father.  I have children ranging in age from 7 to 22, all boys – five of them.  From the very beginning of this ordeal/detour/situation, I have been taught, learned and chosen to not put their father down in front of them. However, I have learned not to lie about what their father has done either. It’s a tedious tightrope act, almost daily, and it isn’t easy. I found a blog that mirrors what I am living and doing with my children. Please share the blog liberally, it might be the glimmer of hope for a victim parent right now.  Excerpts below:

http://cryingoutforjustice.com/2014/10/01/why-arent-you-and-daddy-married-anymore/

“You should not denigrate the children’s father because you are angry with him, or want to get back at him for what he did to you (and/or the kids). He is still their father and they will have feelings for him…They are going to eventually have to understand what their father has done and/or is doing and that will be very hard for them to reconcile within themselves….What we do need to do is be honest with them, in a way they can understand, but is not degrading to their father. We can then teach them what manipulation is. We can teach them what blame shifting is. We can call it out when we see it and help them learn to do the same. We can teach them how to treat others and help guide their character development along, as they grow…They will begin to see the tactics, and then see their father is using these tactics and when they discover this reality on their own, they internalize the truth much deeper than if we were to simply impose it on them…They asked their follow up questions. “Why did he hurt you? Why didn’t he stop?” And I told them, “I think it’s because daddy thought he could make me do what he wanted me to, by hurting me if I didn’t. But you can’t make people do things. You can’t force them to do things you want them to do or not do things you don’t want them to do.” I also told them that I prayed for Daddy. I prayed that God would show daddy that he needed to change and make better choices about how he treats people. I told them mommy leaving was not their fault. The divorce was not their fault. They were not to blame in any way.”  Author deborahmom

 

You ask me why am I sharing my story? Reason # 2

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tell your stories 2

I am sharing for the purpose of others seeing their story in mine – and then getting help and to safety for themselves and their children. I was looking for confirmation for many years that there was something wrong with my marriage or husband. I kept thinking it was me. I read books, went to counselors, asked friends. I never told anyone that I had been hit and my husband never ever apologized or thought what he did was wrong. I never told anyone of his rage and temper and control – I was pretty sure if I shared the darkest secrets I would pay for it later at home. I kept silent because he told me I was the whole problem, and I believed it was me too. He used my gifting of being outspoken against me. He told me with his actions that I shouldn’t have an opinion, or stand up for myself or my children because he was boss of the household. I share simply so other women will see what abuse looks like, how it disguises itself in the cloak of warped (not true) Christianity and twisted scriptures.

Why? Reason # 1

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Why? (aka Why share your dirty laundry? just move on with life why don’t you?)

Reason #1:  I have been singing worship songs and actually meaning them … because of my private and outward expressions of surrender to the Lord to direct my footsteps… and because of telling Him regularly that I will do ANYthing, or go ANYwhere and say ANY message He would have for me to share. And then on 10/22/12, as I sat at the courthouse filing a protection order against my husband, it was all about feeling the burden, seeing the gap and hearing the urgency to join up with others gone before me and to become a beacon of hope to others who are still trapped in the bondage of abuse and slavery within their marriages. That day I felt, and I still continue to choose to walk boldly and not be afraid, and to allow my experiences with domestic violence (disguised as discipline in the cloak of misinterpreted scriptures) to be an encouragement to the captives left dense in the fog and to be a wake-up call to the free that have ears to hear the cry of the “least of these”.  If you ask me why – I will ask you “Since when do we get to pick the message He asks us to share?”

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior”

Lyrics from my inspiration song as I took the jump into the great unknown OCEANS (feet don’t fail me) by Hillsong [VIDEO with Lyrics]

CRIED by Candice Glover – No longer holding it in

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To all my of you who have unknowingly cried along with me…. at night, in separate cities, states and countries, all sharing this same bond… “I’m crying out loud, not keeping it in…”

CRIED by Candice Glover [VIDEO]

There’s nothing left
‘Cause you took it all
I hope to fly / But you make me fall
And I’m tired, oh I
I kept a smile for all those years
But I’m so sick of fighting my tears
I’m so tired, oh I
And I’m, at my wit’s end
No more holding it in

So I cried, and I cried, And I cried, and I cried

So I cried, for all of the pain that you brought
And I cried, for all of the heart ache you caused
I tried to be the girl that never complains
But holding it in is driving me insane
So I cried, oh I cried

I’m on a limb / And I’m ’bout to jump
I gave it all / But you gave me none
And I’m tired, oh
Down inside, feel it coming out
I wanna but I can’t stop now
And I’m tired, oh I
And I’m at my wit’s end, Ain’t no more holding it in
So I cried, and I cried, And I cried, and I cried

This is for every time I let it go
All of the nights that I spent alone
It’s been too hard to hold back the pain
So like the cloud let it fall like the rain
(no more hiding, I’m done, no biting my tongue)
Yes I’m gon’ make a sound
‘Cause I’m crying out loud

So I cried, for all of the pain that you brought
And I cried, for all of the heart ache you caused (caused)
I tried to be the girl that never complains
But holding it in is driving me insane
So I cried, and I cried, And I cried, and I cried
Cried, and I cried, And I cried, and I cried
And I cried, and I cried, And I cried, and I cried

Response to Dr. Phil Shows by Jeff Crippen, Pastor and Author

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Dr Phil Shows 9/22 & 9/23/2014
Kirby hit Renee with paddle when she wouldn’t say yessir.

Show #1, Kirby:  http://youtu.be/O30enhHPtmU

I think the fundamental thing people must understand about Kirby is that Kirby has a profound sense of entitlement to power and control over others, particularly over his wife and children. In addition, we must understand that Kirby is not delusional at all. This is not a man who is delusional about being Jesus Christ and therefore he acts like Jesus Christ. No. Kirby believes that he is entitled to power and control, and his chosen means of obtaining it is to claim that he is simply acting consistent with God. And what Kirby does is provoke and precipitate scenarios which will put him on stage where he can play the role of God. He provokes his wife, demanding she call him “sir” and when she will not, he simply (for her own good, just as Christ would) must punish her. He doesn’t want to. It hurts him. But he does it for her own good. He provokes his children and then punishes them “as God would.” And in all this, Kirby knows exactly what he is doing. Like God, Kirby is never wrong. Even when he expresses remorse for something, in reality Kirby does not believe he was wrong.

And this all leads to a critical error that Dr. Phil and the pastor in the audience made. The pastor said that it grieves him that a “Christian” man would twist Scripture like Kirby does, and the pastor said that he will “pray for Kirby to see the light.” But Kirby is not a Christian. The pastor should have said so and never called him a Christian man. Further, why not pray that the Lord would judge Kirby and do whatever is necessary to keep Kirby from tormenting or hurting Renee and the children further?  Dr. Phil’s error at the close of the second show was that he announced that Kirby is delusional, and that he (Dr. Phil) is going to get some hand-picked counselors, starting with a Christian counselor, to help Kirby. So the show really ended with the focus on helping Kirby!!  In fact, Kirby does not need help. Renee and the children do. Kirby is not going to changed, ever. Kirby has already shown this by being kicked out of an anger management class. Dr. Phil made this error because he did not have any experts in abuse there on the show.  This is not to say Dr. Phil did no good.  He really got in Kirby’s face and exposed Kirby’s lies and deceptions, and for that we thank him.

Show #2  Renee:   http://youtu.be/m5FtvcSpuFE       Renee handled herself very well and tried to reach out to other abuse victims who might be watching. She responded very well to a hard question from Dr. Phil regarding why she kept filming Kirby doing the “belly reddening” on her 14 year old son instead of intervening. Her answer was that in truth she knew that filming it was the best way she could help her son. The evidence gathered would be shown to the police. Dr. Phil agreed with her.

Were there red flags that Renee should have seen before she married Kirby?, Dr. Phil asked. Of course there were. There always are. But who among us can say that we spotted them all and were never duped by them? It took me, for example, some 20 years to realize what was happening to me as a pastor through the tactics of abusers in the churches I have pastored.

Many, many thanks to Renee for her courage in telling her story to such a large audience.
Jeff Crippen, Pastor
Christ Reformation Church
Tillamook, Oregon

A Cry for Justice   cryingoutforjustice.com
Help for victims of abuse

Where I’d send you for help if we talked…

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These are resources that I have used and found my help for recovery and healing. 


THERAPY/COUNSELING…

  • Domestic Violence Services of Lancaster County (717) 299-1249    Free DV Counseling and more   website
  • Pennsylvania Counseling Services (717) 392-8848  Family Based Counseling and more  website

WEBSITES/BLOGS…


SOME OF THE BEST BOOKS I HAVE READ …

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans  How to Recognize it and How to Respond
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft    How to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood    How the Evil of Domestic Violence Hides in your Church
Not Under Bondage by Barbara Roberts    Biblical Divorce for Adultery, Abuse and Desertion
The Verbally Abusive Man – Can he change? by Patricia Evans    A Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Controlling People by Patricia Evans   How to recognize understand and deal with people who try to control you
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick   How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope


OTHER RESOURCES …